Zoe Violet

This is my first granddaughter/fourth grandchild. She is Zoe Violet ; age 1. Zoe was born one month after Mama passed away. Her parents (Paul, my second born, and Beki) knew she was going to be a girl, so they named her as soon as they knew the sex. They called and said, "Her name is Zoe Violet, after Grandma". I couldn't WAIT to drive to my parent's house to let them know. Mama was kinda confused - because she thought that meant the baby was already born and kept asking why they didn't bring her for them to see. I tried my best to tell her that the baby was still growing in Beki's tummy, but would come when the weather got nice. Well, Mama passed in April and a month later, on May 22, 2007, Zoe Violet was born. (The name Zoe means "Life".) And, my sister said, "April showers bring May flowers". How true that was. She is certainly a little bit of heaven to us here below. Zoe is one-half Korean. What a beautiful baby she is. She had such sticky-uppy hair for months and months. There was nothing to do that would tame it. Finally, her mama was able to put these tiny little pigtails in the top of it - and tiny they were, but they were real!!! Zoe got the best of both worlds, I guess. She has my son's BIG eyes and LONG eyelashes (Asians do not have hardly any eyelashes at all...) and she got the beautiful brown color of her mama's eyes along with the Korean "slant". We all LOVE that! If you want to see Zoe start "hamming it up" get a camera out. She loves to have her picture taken. Beki told me one day that she feels like they have a celebrity baby because everywhere they go, people stop them to talk and talk to her. She is VERY SOCIAL!!! She is so precious to me. The first and only time my Father met her was on Father's Day, 2007. He, then passed away in July 2007, but was SO proud to be able to see and hold a little baby girl that bore the name of his late wife - for whom he was grieving immensely. She is sugar and spice and everything nice - that is for sure. Zoe is getting ready to become a big sister. In late August 2008, she will get a little sister named Piper Marie. I wait with anticipation!

"Si-Guy OR Arthur"

The last of the grandsons (at least for now), is Silas Arthur Paul ; age 4. As is stated in the title, he is often referred to as "Arthur". My late Father, was Rev. Arthur Earl Fritz. I feel very blessed to have a grandson who bears his name. Silas has always been known as our "little peanut". He FINALLY made it on the growth chart at his 4-year well-baby checkup. (He is in the 5th and 10th percentile, but, hey, someone has to be on the low end, right?) You would never know to watch him play that he ever had a complication in his life. He was born a month early because he was not growing in the womb and the placenta was also starting to deteriorate. So, getting him into the REAL WORLD where he could eat and grow was a MUST! He had lots and lots of doctors for the first couple of years of his life. I believe he had as many as 9 Specialists at one time. But, little by little, things have either been corrected, or outgrown. He is a feisty little guy. He will start Kindergarten in the Fall - where has the time gone to? He, like both of his other brothers, loves babies - especially baby girls. They all wanted a baby sister so badly and then their Aunt Cherene had the audacity to have 2 boys and no girls, either! (Sorry, Oma.../that is their father, Jeremy and Cherene's mom.) Oma is German for Grandma. When friends of Nichole and Jeremy had a baby girl about 21 months ago (Kaylyn), Silas was OBSESSED with her! He played the "Erin" game whenever anyone would play it with him - which is Kaylyn's mama's name. That game consisted of Silas playing that HE was Kaylyn and whomever played w/him was Erin. He would have you wrap him in a blanket and he'd pretend to kick and cry, etc. But he is very gentle (as are all 3 boys) with their baby girl cousins. Silas played on a "pre T-Ball" league this year - just to learn the game of Baseball. That little peanut would get up and hit the ball on the very first PITCH almost every time! Talk about mouths dropping to the ground. Guess that comes from having two very talented big brothers play with him! He is learning to ride his bike w/o training wheels, since bigger brother, Gideon, learned to earlier this year. If Silas can, he will monopolize ALL your time just playing with him~!!! He LOVES to have a grandparent or aunt or uncle down on the floor with him playing in his bedroom. He comes up with words of his own, such as: "it is an I-GOO-DEE-A, mom" (A good idea!) You know when you hear a little one saying something profound? You almost always know they have "heard" it before from an adult in their life. A couple months ago, he was being babysat by a dear friend of the family, Mona. Since Silas had Mona all to himself, they were playing house. He told her it was time to go to bed, read her a story (I'd have loved to hear that one!) and then told her to get into his bed. He turned out the light and closed the door. After he had closed the door, Mona, being like a child, called "Daddy". Silas opened the door, left the light off and said, "We will not be making a habit of this". LOL! He has on obsession with shoes and hats/or hoodies. If they go on, they don't come off until the end of the day. He also has two people in his life that he feels the need to "guard" from the Grinch. Now, he NEVER has talked to anyone else, ever, about the Grinch. But every time he sees Aunt Beki and his little cousin, Zoe, he protects them from the Grinch~ go figure....????

"G"

This is grandchild #2; Gideon Murdoch Douglas who is 6 years old. If anyone of my grandchildren has a propensity for injuries, stitches, black eyes, etc. it is Gideon. He is "action in motion". He has the hugest blue eyes with the longest eyelashes and is able to "charm" his way through anything - almost! Mom and Dad (Nichole and Jeremy) keep a pretty tight reign on their 3 little guys: not tight enough to hurt but enough to 'guide and direct' them. Gideon was always our baby octopus. It always seemed he had eight hands whenever we were at the table eating. He learned to drink from a cup during a Wednesday night Bible Study, and wanted water forever thereafter~~!!!! Gideon has a batting arm that really awed a lot of parents this year. I remember one game in particular, he slugged one UP and OUT beyond 2nd base. He gets so excited when the ball goes where he wants it to go. (Don't we all?) He ended this year's ball season sitting the last game out because the night prior, during his youngest brother's game, he was playing in the park pavilion and fell off a picnic table, cutting the top of his right eye and needing 2 stitches inside to stabilize it and 6 outside to close it. That's our "G-Man"! Gideon likes to go hunt with his brothers and Daddy, too, although if it is really cold out, he is like his Nonnie: he will choose to stay inside and be 'comfy cozy'. He is our little budding artist (Uncle Paul is an artist). For the children/youth talent show this Spring at Church, he drew two beautiful pictures and then signed and dated them, and auctioned them off to raise money for the Youth's Summer Home Mission Project (Project '08). He raised $63! I am SURE that there is not a person on earth who would pay 63 cents for ANY picture that I drew!!! Gideon also is quite the little comedian; it just comes out naturally. Last night he went to get those stitches removed from his eye and the little "old" doctor, complete w/glasses said, "Boy, those are small - I have to go get my old man glasses to see them properly." Gideon replied (quietly to his Mama), "he already HAS them!". His mama had a hard time not cracking up before the doctor left the room!

"Owie"

This is Owen Martin Lloyd; age 8. He is my first grandchild. I remember the first time I held him in my arms...probably 30 mins or less after his birth. I cried as I looked down at his precious little face; 'he is a continuing part of me, I thought'. It was a very surreal experience to know that that tiny baby boy came from his mother and father and their mothers and fathers, etc. He was smart from the very beginning. His mama,(my firstborn, Nichole) started teaching him "baby signing" at age 6 months. He picked it up SO quickly. He was always the quietest and best baby whenever we were in a public place to eat or whatever, because he would "sign" to us what he wanted. Owen is a great ball player. He LOVES Autumn; he told his mama this past fall, "I just get this feeling all over me when it is Fall - that I cannot explain". She totally understood, because of all the seasons, Fall is her favorite, also. (Strong genes!) He also LOVES to hunt with Daddy (Jeremy). When he was about 4 and the next brother down was 2, Jeremy went turkey hunting one day and they CRIED when he came home empty-handed. "But daddy, you were supposed to come back with a turkey". He has been an AVID reader since the age of at least 6 or 7. You see him in the picture above reading one of his favorite series. Last summer when school got out, he started reading the Harry Potter series (controversial, I know...) but he had not understood them the year prior. Last summer, he "got" them~. He read every one of them before school started again in the fall. That is a lot of reading. He has a huge bookshelf in his room and said to me, "Nonnie, I have read almost every book on these shelves at least once. There are only 3-4 I haven't read because I don't "get" them, yet. He has read all the Chronicles of Narnia at least once each, also. He loves to read Shel Silverstein. My Mama always called him "Owie" and I find myself doing the same very often. Last Sunday, I kissed his cheek and said, "when it gets to the point where you don't want Nonnie to kiss you, tell me, okay?" But then, I let him know that his Uncle Paul (my second born) ALWAYS let me kiss his cheek no matter where we were or how old he was!!!! He was rather quite - and just looked and me and smiled, shaking his head in the affirmative.

Father's Day 2008

I have been so busy making special “memory books” for my son and son-in-laws, that I didn’t’ have to think a lot about Father’s Day, this year, being the first one without Dad. Then on Friday, I went to get the “Cards” and gift wrap… that started it all. The week-end went downhill from there. No Dad to purchase a card for and no Dad to buy a gift for. It wasn’t that the gift was ever so great, but the CARD. I always searched until I found the “perfect one” that said what was from my heart. I loved my father more than I can express. He was always my “rock, my source of rescue, my protector, and my source of unconditional love.” Sounds like I’m speaking about my Heavenly Father, doesn’t it????
Although I know that my Heavenly Father is all that and more to me - I still have this hole… this ache… this hurt that is so deep in my heart that I wonder when I shall ever find my “NEW NORMAL”. I’m working on it - but it doesn’t come rapidly. I would NEVER wish Dad back to the pain, the life that, for him, stopped when he was strapped to an oxygen hose 24/7, the loss of independence he felt the past 2 years of his life AND the grief over Mama’s death. I understand in my HEAD that he is now happy, whole, well, and with his wife and the babies they lost, and most of all with his Blessed Jesus. But my heart aches and hurts, because, I, like a small child, want my Daddy back. I want to touch him and hug him. I want to feel the roughness of his day-old whiskers when he kisses me. I want him to tell me, 'everything is going to be okay' when I’m crying. I want to talk politics with him - and sports, religion, the good ‘ole days; all of that an more.
But, he is in a far better place and I know I shall see him again. It is just the waiting that is hard; but, I have no choice. So, I continue on, day by day, to live my life so that my children and grandchildren remember me for some of the same values and characteristics that I received from my Dad.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I took you red roses today and cried at your grave. Thank God, you ARE healthy, happy and whole again - and in a far better place!!! I Love You~~!!!

Mother's Day 2008

Today has been a bitter, yet sweet day for me. Lots of “happy” and lots of “tears“.
I went to visit my Mother’s grave after church today and took her some flowers. I talked to her for a few minutes; I told her I knew this was actually a better Mother’s Day than she had ever had on earth. But, somehow, knowing that doesn’t make up for all the tears I’ve shed this week-end. My head knows the truth, but my heart still has a huge hole in it. The only thing that makes her death a LITTLE TINY BIT easier to deal with than my father’s is that because of her Alzheimer’s, she kept leaving us a little more each day for a few years. My thought when I put the flowers on her gravesite was, ‘even though Mama didn’t understand a whole lot of things the last few weeks she was alive, she DID love flowers and the beauty of them’. So I gave her the best thing I could; beautiful flowers in shades of orange; roses and alstromeria. Happy Mother's Day, Mama; I love and miss you...

On the happy side, I saw all my children and grandchildren this week-end. I received lots of nice cards, beautiful gifts and a nice meal at one of my favorite places: La Senorita. Most importantly, I felt loved -- really loved. I got LOTS of HUGS - I can never get too many of them~!

Fragmented

I have had so many “meltdowns” in the past week that I cannot give you a number. Many times I haven’t known why I was crying, what I was feeling, or how to make “it” better. Then it hit me - two days ago. I’m feeling fragmented. Ever feel that way? Like everyone needs a piece of you and you are being pulled in a million directions. Like there are so many things you have to do that you cannot even prioritize what needs done when. Like there is so much to keep track of that you cannot go to sleep at night - your mind will not quite obsessing about “it”, but sometimes -- most of the time, you don’t even know what “it” is!

So, I began to talk to God. I’m crying and pouring my heart out to Him and telling Him what He already knows - but He wants to hear me ask. He wants to hear my thoughts, to know what my heart feels and to put me back together.

Just for a little background: my Mother and Father both passed away last summer; 101 days apart. Shortly after Mama’s death, my Christian husband, filed for a divorce - talk about blindsided~~! So, that is where I’m at. There is a something the Judge used to say to Opposing Counsel on cases when I worked in the Court System. “You take your victim where you find them.” (In other words - if they happen to be an emotional wreck prior to a crime being committed against them, the perpetrator preyed on a victim already having issues; therefore, it couldn‘t be said that things would not be as BAD for the victim if they didn‘t have their prior history.) You take them as you find them. I guess God is taking me as He found me. Okay, now, fast forward and let me tell you some of my realizations:

This is a Presidential Election year. If there was ever an award for VOTER Of The YEAR, it would have gone every year to my Dad. He read and studied and listened - remembering every statement made by each candidate, and knew their stands on every issue -- inside and out. My Dad is gone now. Who is going to fill in the gap for him? What about the things we need to know/hear about the candidates. Yes, the family members always voted for whomever they chose to vote for, but there was still BIG input from Dad. His wisdom, his thoughts on issues - and especially his clarity on all the “Proposals“… They are gone forever.

Our church has not had a Minister since November 18, 2007. After many months of hard work by our Search Committee, we are getting close, but a minister has not yet been hired. Several people have gotten tired of waiting and have left the church and went elsewhere. The more people that leave, the more vacancies we have with Sunday School Teachers, Worship Team Members, etc. I know there is nothing I can do to fill those holes, but the pressure starts to build and I begin to feel that old familiar feeling -- that I must be all things, for all people. Fragmented. Pieces of me here and pieces of me there. Thus the continued meltdowns.

I have physical and emotional limitations, and I want them to be gone! Could someone please snap their fingers… but it doesn’t work that way! I have dear, dear girlfriends who are not healthy right now, either. I want them to be better or I want to be able to DO their stuff. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.”

It is a constant battle I fight. Probably part of it is a CONTROL issue - and part of it is that I WANT TO HELP EVERYONE! Fragmented. Pieces that keep breaking off and falling to the ground. I cannot find all of them to glue myself back together again. And so I cry out to God and I search His Word.

I find the passage in Mark, chapter 6, where Jesus says to his disciples, “…Let’s go off to a quiet place and rest awhile…” Rest - a basic human need! Then in Matthew 11, Jesus said, “… Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest… and you will find rest for your souls…” . He goes to the very core of the place we need rest; to our SOUL. I learned a little thing to help me years ago, using the acronym HALT. If you are feeling our-of-sorts, you need to HALT. Then, think of what each of those letters stand for: H/hungry A/angry L/lonely T/tired. It works just about 100% of the time! Okay, I am definitely lonely and very tired. Actually, I could certainly add in hungry - since I do not make appropriate meals for myself, and I might as well throw in angry - because I have had a lot of losses in a very short time - and I AM angry that my life got turned upside-down.

So, the bottom line is… can I tell God that? Can I trust Him to understand and comfort me. Will he care that I’m fragmented and will He help put me back together again? Then I find Psalms 116:1-2: “I love the Lord because he hears my voice, and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!” (NLT) Did you catch that? He BENDS DOWN TO LISTEN! Isn’t that what mothers and fathers do to hear the things their children want to say to them? It is also what concerned adults do for children they love and care about. Therefore, the child knows the adult considers his or her conversation to be of importance! HE BENDS DOWN TO LISTEN. I am overwhelmed by the feeling of great “worth” I feel after reading this scripture. It does not say that if I pull myself together first, or if I raise myself to a certain standard of performance or level of expectation - just that HE BENDS DOWN TO LISTEN.

I quiet down. I “settle”. I begin to feel peace seep into my bones. I go limp in His arms. He, God, is in charge. He alone can and will pick up the pieces and mend my fragmented body, soul and mind. All I have to do is let Him. Thank you, Father, that you care enough to “bend down to listen“.