I have had so many “meltdowns” in the past week that I cannot give you a number. Many times I haven’t known why I was crying, what I was feeling, or how to make “it” better. Then it hit me - two days ago. I’m feeling fragmented. Ever feel that way? Like everyone needs a piece of you and you are being pulled in a million directions. Like there are so many things you have to do that you cannot even prioritize what needs done when. Like there is so much to keep track of that you cannot go to sleep at night - your mind will not quite obsessing about “it”, but sometimes -- most of the time, you don’t even know what “it” is!
So, I began to talk to God. I’m crying and pouring my heart out to Him and telling Him what He already knows - but He wants to hear me ask. He wants to hear my thoughts, to know what my heart feels and to put me back together.
Just for a little background: my Mother and Father both passed away last summer; 101 days apart. Shortly after Mama’s death, my Christian husband, filed for a divorce - talk about blindsided~~! So, that is where I’m at. There is a something the Judge used to say to Opposing Counsel on cases when I worked in the Court System. “You take your victim where you find them.” (In other words - if they happen to be an emotional wreck prior to a crime being committed against them, the perpetrator preyed on a victim already having issues; therefore, it couldn‘t be said that things would not be as BAD for the victim if they didn‘t have their prior history.) You take them as you find them. I guess God is taking me as He found me. Okay, now, fast forward and let me tell you some of my realizations:
This is a Presidential Election year. If there was ever an award for VOTER Of The YEAR, it would have gone every year to my Dad. He read and studied and listened - remembering every statement made by each candidate, and knew their stands on every issue -- inside and out. My Dad is gone now. Who is going to fill in the gap for him? What about the things we need to know/hear about the candidates. Yes, the family members always voted for whomever they chose to vote for, but there was still BIG input from Dad. His wisdom, his thoughts on issues - and especially his clarity on all the “Proposals“… They are gone forever.
Our church has not had a Minister since November 18, 2007. After many months of hard work by our Search Committee, we are getting close, but a minister has not yet been hired. Several people have gotten tired of waiting and have left the church and went elsewhere. The more people that leave, the more vacancies we have with Sunday School Teachers, Worship Team Members, etc. I know there is nothing I can do to fill those holes, but the pressure starts to build and I begin to feel that old familiar feeling -- that I must be all things, for all people. Fragmented. Pieces of me here and pieces of me there. Thus the continued meltdowns.
I have physical and emotional limitations, and I want them to be gone! Could someone please snap their fingers… but it doesn’t work that way! I have dear, dear girlfriends who are not healthy right now, either. I want them to be better or I want to be able to DO their stuff. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.”
It is a constant battle I fight. Probably part of it is a CONTROL issue - and part of it is that I WANT TO HELP EVERYONE! Fragmented. Pieces that keep breaking off and falling to the ground. I cannot find all of them to glue myself back together again. And so I cry out to God and I search His Word.
I find the passage in Mark, chapter 6, where Jesus says to his disciples, “…Let’s go off to a quiet place and rest awhile…” Rest - a basic human need! Then in Matthew 11, Jesus said, “… Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest… and you will find rest for your souls…” . He goes to the very core of the place we need rest; to our SOUL. I learned a little thing to help me years ago, using the acronym HALT. If you are feeling our-of-sorts, you need to HALT. Then, think of what each of those letters stand for: H/hungry A/angry L/lonely T/tired. It works just about 100% of the time! Okay, I am definitely lonely and very tired. Actually, I could certainly add in hungry - since I do not make appropriate meals for myself, and I might as well throw in angry - because I have had a lot of losses in a very short time - and I AM angry that my life got turned upside-down.
So, the bottom line is… can I tell God that? Can I trust Him to understand and comfort me. Will he care that I’m fragmented and will He help put me back together again? Then I find Psalms 116:1-2: “I love the Lord because he hears my voice, and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!” (NLT) Did you catch that? He BENDS DOWN TO LISTEN! Isn’t that what mothers and fathers do to hear the things their children want to say to them? It is also what concerned adults do for children they love and care about. Therefore, the child knows the adult considers his or her conversation to be of importance! HE BENDS DOWN TO LISTEN. I am overwhelmed by the feeling of great “worth” I feel after reading this scripture. It does not say that if I pull myself together first, or if I raise myself to a certain standard of performance or level of expectation - just that HE BENDS DOWN TO LISTEN.
I quiet down. I “settle”. I begin to feel peace seep into my bones. I go limp in His arms. He, God, is in charge. He alone can and will pick up the pieces and mend my fragmented body, soul and mind. All I have to do is let Him. Thank you, Father, that you care enough to “bend down to listen“.
