Broken and Spilled Out...

Recently, I was reading some one's blog and she mentioned that she had been reading a book on "Grief" and it suggested breaking a piece of pottery or china, etc. She thought it sounded stupid until she did it. After she broke it, God began to speak to her and told her to pick up the pieces and go put the "pitcher" back together again. She went through a tremendous night of talking to God, gathering a lot of insight on her past/present wounds, and learning some things. She suggested that others do the same - and be sure to share their experience with her. I thought about it for awhile and then decided that I was, maybe a bit further on in my "grieving" and didn't need to do it.

HOWEVER, a couple of days later, God kept bringing that post back to my mind, but in an entirely different way. The song: "Broken and Spilled Out" just kept running through my head at the same time I would think about breaking a pitcher. I didn't have a copy of the song B&SO, so I looked up the lyrics on Google. I even printed them out. I would go to the piano and play the song, all the while thinking of the scripture that went with it and how I felt it all related to me. But, alas, I didn't even own a pitcher, so I was off the hook. Then I spotted a vinegar bottle with a cork for a stopper. "Broken and Spilled Out".... God said. Okay, okay...I'll do it. So, I took a picture of the vinegar bottle and then took it out on my sidewalk. It was a Sunday afternoon, and I looked around, hoping no one would see me and ask what I was doing. I took the broom and dustpan out with me, also, so I could sweep away any little shards of glass and any residual vinegar.

I stood and kind of dropped/threw it down on the sidewalk and I heard vinegar bubbling all over as it ran down the slope. I quickly picked up all the pieces big enough to pick up, swept up the rest of the mess and left the "wet spot" to dry in the hot sun. I had all the pieces in a grocery sack and I put them onto my craft table and got out the hot glue gun.

Now, before I go any farther, let me say I also Googled "vinegar" and found that it has been used throughout the years for many, many things. It is used for medicinal purposes, cleaning things of every variety, and last by not least, for culinary purposes.

I glued one whole evening until the inevitable happened. I was just about at the end of the gluing when I had a piece that had to be glued on 3 sides out of 4. You guessed it... I burned 4 fingers so badly that I had to quit for the night. I ran to the sink and ran them under cool water. Pulling the glue from very burned fingers didn't feel very good; especially the finger that immediately had a huge blister on it. I went in and slathered all four fingers with Silvidane Cream, took some Tylenol and sat in the chair to wait for the throbbing to stop. I fell asleep. When I woke up a couple hours later, the cream had all absorbed into my skin and the pain was pretty much gone. But, my fingers were still to sore to finish the job, so I had to wait a day or so for them to heal a little. This is what I learned from that entire project.

1)Until I realized I was "broken" I had no need for God in my life.
2)Until I came to the end of myself (sweet abandon) I didn't want God to rescue/fix me.
3)What I tried to do for myself only caused me great pain and sorrow.
4)Sometimes the pain of healing/making me "whole again" is so great that I have to take a little breather from the work.
5)Now that I am put back together, there are many, many scars that I will always bear, because of choices I made.
6)What I see as ugly scars, will, with time, become "Beauty Marks" changed by the Master.
7)My life is now ready to be "used" by God; whether it is to help clean, to heal or to feed others.

"Broken and spilled out, just for love of you, Jesus; My most precious treasure lavished on thee. Broken and spilled out, and poured at your feet; In sweet abandon, let me be spilled out and used up for thee."

Matthew 26:6-13 and John 12:1-8 both give an account of the woman who broke the jar of an expensive essence and poured it out on Jesus in preparation for His burial. She was not a woman who was known for making good choices in her life. I'm sure the day she became "Broken and Spilled Out" had a part in changing her life forever.

I thank God for teaching me such a valuable lesson. My broken and scared vinegar jar sits at the top of my cupboard with some of my "pretties" - where now, it has more value than all the other things around it.

Roses for Aunt Gail

My youngest sister, Sara, (17 years younger than me) designed my Blog Page for me. I am just not savvy about that kind of thing and Sara is extremely proficient.

I told her I wanted Gerber Daisies on the top - they are ONE of my favorite flowers. She did a couple different set-ups for me. Her youngest daughter, Kerrigan, age 7, looked at the screen and said, "Where are the Roses?" Sara asked what Roses; what did she mean? Kerrigan replied, "It's for Aunt Gail, isn't it? Where are the Roses?" Sara told her that Aunt Gail had asked for Gerber Daisies. To which Kerrigan then replied, "Well, why don't you surprise Aunt Gail and put some Roses in it, too." Sara told her she thought it WOULD be a surprise if she added Roses, since I had specifically asked for Gerber's.

Why Kerrigan would associate me with roses is what we cannot figure out. The only thing we can think of, is that the week before was her oldest sister, Britnee's 13th birthday. I always send a single rose to each of my nieces when they turn 13, telling them that every girl should start receiving flowers when she turns 13. Then, as I told the Britnee's father,(my brother-in-law, Tony,) "after 13, I leave it up to the father and/or the boyfriends." So, because I sent Britnee a rose the week prior maybe Kerrigan thinks I should have had roses on my Blog page. Who knows what is going though a little 7-year-old's mind....??? It really was kind of cute, though.

What Kerrigan does not know, however, is that when I first worked at Between Friends (one of Shepherd's local flower shops), I had the hardest time even peeling off the "bad" petals from the roses and letting all those petals fall on the floor. They were so beautiful to me. I couldn't bear to see a broken flower put in the trash can, either. Several times, I had the girls help me pick up the petals off the floor and out of the trash and put them in a bag. Then I would take them home and stew them on my floor (not red petals-because they stain~) and I would walk on them and feel the pure delight of them under my bare feet.

I wonder if that is a little bit how our Heavenly Father feels when he sees us all broken and strewn on the floor or put in a trashcan? I'm so GLAD that He picks them up and makes them/us/me "re-usable". Titus 3:5a says: "...he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy..."

So Kerrigan, Roses for Aunt Gail are quite alright! I LOVE them, too!!!!

Always Singing...

While reading Psalm 84 today in the context of a prayer for a particular family & reason (long story), I read a verse that just popped right out at me. I immediately thought of my Father. Psalm 84:4 says: "What joy for those who can live in your house, always singing your praises." NLT

Any of you that remember my Dad and Mother, probably remember that they sang together (most often with whatever of their girls were available at the time) for many, many Church Services, Camp Meetings, Revivals, etc. I can still see my Dad, his head stretched upward, singing praises to the Lord. In the early days, he always played the accordion while we sang. As soon as I was able to play the piano well enough, we USUALLY used a piano. However, the accordion was never put very far away.

My sister, Jodi, was telling me one day, that in the last few months before he passed away, he would put his accordion on and sing a solo at his Church. The song he sang was almost always "Beside the Crystal Sea" - which is the song us four girls sang at his funeral. She said, "Gail, he'd stand up there singing that song with his accordion, while tears coursed down his cheeks.

I guess there are two reasons this verse made me think of him today.

1) For years, as us girls sang with Mom and Dad, he struggled if he ever sang for 3-4 nights in a row, because he voice would get so hoarse. He would mix concoctions of honey and lemon juice and drink and drink and drink it, but still, the more he sang, the worse the hoarseness got. By the time he got to the end of a 10-day Camp Meeting or Revival, he could hardly sing at all.

2) The last two years of his life, he was on oxygen 24/7. Jodi would often tell me how he would get up at his Church with his accordion and sing a solo. Then, because he was so "oxygen deprived", he would be "done in" for the rest of the day.

I can see him in my mind's eye, in those last few months of his life, singing about going to & living in Heaven. He longed to be there so badly. So, today, after reading Psalm 84:4 I am ASSURED that he will be able to sing continually throughout eternity...without ever getting hoarse, and with LOTS of air to breathe~~!

Sing on, dear Daddy. Someday we will all sing as a family again with you and Mama and we will BE "beside" the Crystal Sea.

P.S. I have found out the name of the song I mentioned is actually another name:
Land of Living.

There's a place of dazzling beauty
No human eye has ever seen;
With gates of pearl and streets paved with gold.
It's a land of milk and honey,
Oh, it's more than just a dream;
It's a land of life beyond the crystal sea.

Cho. And it's a land of life - where living is forever;
Where the sting of death will claim no victory.
And we are nothing more than just a passing shadow,
'Til we reach the land of living beyond the crystal sea.

The sun is nothing but a legend
In this paradise of dreams.
The Lamb will be the only light we'll need.
It's soothing walls of jasper, built by God's own hand;
It's a land of life beyond the crystal sea.

Snagged From Sara's Blog

Age: 39 forever (but born in 1954)

Burger of choice: Grilled and w/o the bun: the bread is too hard for me to get down/lap band....

Car you drive: 2002 Lincoln Continental

Dog's name: No dog, cat or any pet.

Essential item you use everyday: Hair product(S)!!

Favorite show at the moment: Grey's Anatomy and/or Survival - but they are both done for the season... :(

Game: Scattergories

Home State: Michigan

Instruments you play: Piano

Juice: Orange or Pineapple

K - whose behind you'd like to Kick: Many, many politicians~~!!!

Last restaurant you ate at? La Senorita.

Muppetts: - Never was into them/don't know their names!

Number of Piercings: 2; 1 in each ear.

Overnight hospital stays: WAY too many to count!

People you were with today: Me, myself and I.

Quiet time: Read, pray, play piano, crafts/scrapbooking.

R - biggest Regret: That I didn't have better "parenting skills" as a young mother.

Status: Divorced (and not liking it)but trying to learn to live/deal with it!

Time you woke up today: 9:04 a.m., I think...I slept well last night!

U - what you consider Unique: Every baby/child/person.

Vegetable you love: Corn and glazed carrots and fresh cucumbers.

Worst habit: Interrupting/but I'm working on it.

X-rays you've had: Top to bottom and everywhere and kind (MIR, CT, US, etc.) in-between. (Guess those would be called "Diagnostic Images".)

Yummy food you ate today: Nothing yummy, yet! I need groceries....

Zodiac sign: Capricorn - for what it is worth.

Regan Rene'

To date, this is my fifth grand baby/second granddaughter, Regan Rene'; age 6 1/2 months. Regan was born at a time in my life that I was spiraling down into a big black hole. Grieving the loss of both parents and going through a "surprise" divorce w/i a 101 day period was just too much for me. Then along came little red-headed Regan. She came a couple of weeks early and very quickly once her parents decided to head for the hospital; especially for a first baby. I got the call just after she made her appearance and so it was almost 2 hours before I got up to see her. I was in love instantly. Her mommy, (my third born/baby) didn't want to have to go back to work, but she did go back part-time. I got to be the lucky "Nanny". We rocked and took little naps, I sang to her from minute one, and told her stories. I love the look on her face when she hears my voice. A couple of weeks ago, Heather and Keith (her parents) moved about 3 hours south of me because daddy got a job promotion. They, however, live down by all of Keith's family - for which I am grateful. I am glad she is near other family members and that Keith and Heather are not alone in a new town. Regan is learning baby signing, just as Nichole's three boys learned it. If you sign "milk" she gets all wiggly and vocal if she is hungry for a bottle. Sign "food" and if she is hungry, her little mouth opens up just like a baby bird~! For a short time, every time she was fed in her highchair, she would fall FAST asleep. Her mama said, "Mom, I think she has food-induced narcolepsy". Nothing in the world would wake her if she fell asleep eating. She is a happy baby and very loved by all. The red hair was a little bit of a surprise, although it does run on both sides of the family.... but not much. She has at least a 3rd generation Cupie Doll curl on top of her head. Prior to my mother, I'm not sure if the babies in the family had them, but all of my mother's babies had them: boy or girl. All of my three had them: girls and boy. Now, Heather combs Regan's that way. And the other family thing: she ALWAYS smells like Mennen's Baby Magic. (We used to say we should have bought it by the case~.) Slowly, but surely, God is weaning me from seeing her 4-6 times a week. They only moved about 10 days ago and I saw her the following week-end and will for the next 2 week-ends. YEAH~~~~!!!!! I cannot kiss her enough. (Neither can her mother - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!) One day I was eating Sunday lunch with all 3 grandsons and I said, "Do you boys realize that once Piper is born, there will be a baby girl for each of you every time we get together?" Their eyes got big and grins came across their faces. Then, they all started picking the baby girl that would be "theirs". Amazingly enough, there were no duplicates or fights!

Zoe Violet

This is my first granddaughter/fourth grandchild. She is Zoe Violet ; age 1. Zoe was born one month after Mama passed away. Her parents (Paul, my second born, and Beki) knew she was going to be a girl, so they named her as soon as they knew the sex. They called and said, "Her name is Zoe Violet, after Grandma". I couldn't WAIT to drive to my parent's house to let them know. Mama was kinda confused - because she thought that meant the baby was already born and kept asking why they didn't bring her for them to see. I tried my best to tell her that the baby was still growing in Beki's tummy, but would come when the weather got nice. Well, Mama passed in April and a month later, on May 22, 2007, Zoe Violet was born. (The name Zoe means "Life".) And, my sister said, "April showers bring May flowers". How true that was. She is certainly a little bit of heaven to us here below. Zoe is one-half Korean. What a beautiful baby she is. She had such sticky-uppy hair for months and months. There was nothing to do that would tame it. Finally, her mama was able to put these tiny little pigtails in the top of it - and tiny they were, but they were real!!! Zoe got the best of both worlds, I guess. She has my son's BIG eyes and LONG eyelashes (Asians do not have hardly any eyelashes at all...) and she got the beautiful brown color of her mama's eyes along with the Korean "slant". We all LOVE that! If you want to see Zoe start "hamming it up" get a camera out. She loves to have her picture taken. Beki told me one day that she feels like they have a celebrity baby because everywhere they go, people stop them to talk and talk to her. She is VERY SOCIAL!!! She is so precious to me. The first and only time my Father met her was on Father's Day, 2007. He, then passed away in July 2007, but was SO proud to be able to see and hold a little baby girl that bore the name of his late wife - for whom he was grieving immensely. She is sugar and spice and everything nice - that is for sure. Zoe is getting ready to become a big sister. In late August 2008, she will get a little sister named Piper Marie. I wait with anticipation!

"Si-Guy OR Arthur"

The last of the grandsons (at least for now), is Silas Arthur Paul ; age 4. As is stated in the title, he is often referred to as "Arthur". My late Father, was Rev. Arthur Earl Fritz. I feel very blessed to have a grandson who bears his name. Silas has always been known as our "little peanut". He FINALLY made it on the growth chart at his 4-year well-baby checkup. (He is in the 5th and 10th percentile, but, hey, someone has to be on the low end, right?) You would never know to watch him play that he ever had a complication in his life. He was born a month early because he was not growing in the womb and the placenta was also starting to deteriorate. So, getting him into the REAL WORLD where he could eat and grow was a MUST! He had lots and lots of doctors for the first couple of years of his life. I believe he had as many as 9 Specialists at one time. But, little by little, things have either been corrected, or outgrown. He is a feisty little guy. He will start Kindergarten in the Fall - where has the time gone to? He, like both of his other brothers, loves babies - especially baby girls. They all wanted a baby sister so badly and then their Aunt Cherene had the audacity to have 2 boys and no girls, either! (Sorry, Oma.../that is their father, Jeremy and Cherene's mom.) Oma is German for Grandma. When friends of Nichole and Jeremy had a baby girl about 21 months ago (Kaylyn), Silas was OBSESSED with her! He played the "Erin" game whenever anyone would play it with him - which is Kaylyn's mama's name. That game consisted of Silas playing that HE was Kaylyn and whomever played w/him was Erin. He would have you wrap him in a blanket and he'd pretend to kick and cry, etc. But he is very gentle (as are all 3 boys) with their baby girl cousins. Silas played on a "pre T-Ball" league this year - just to learn the game of Baseball. That little peanut would get up and hit the ball on the very first PITCH almost every time! Talk about mouths dropping to the ground. Guess that comes from having two very talented big brothers play with him! He is learning to ride his bike w/o training wheels, since bigger brother, Gideon, learned to earlier this year. If Silas can, he will monopolize ALL your time just playing with him~!!! He LOVES to have a grandparent or aunt or uncle down on the floor with him playing in his bedroom. He comes up with words of his own, such as: "it is an I-GOO-DEE-A, mom" (A good idea!) You know when you hear a little one saying something profound? You almost always know they have "heard" it before from an adult in their life. A couple months ago, he was being babysat by a dear friend of the family, Mona. Since Silas had Mona all to himself, they were playing house. He told her it was time to go to bed, read her a story (I'd have loved to hear that one!) and then told her to get into his bed. He turned out the light and closed the door. After he had closed the door, Mona, being like a child, called "Daddy". Silas opened the door, left the light off and said, "We will not be making a habit of this". LOL! He has on obsession with shoes and hats/or hoodies. If they go on, they don't come off until the end of the day. He also has two people in his life that he feels the need to "guard" from the Grinch. Now, he NEVER has talked to anyone else, ever, about the Grinch. But every time he sees Aunt Beki and his little cousin, Zoe, he protects them from the Grinch~ go figure....????

"G"

This is grandchild #2; Gideon Murdoch Douglas who is 6 years old. If anyone of my grandchildren has a propensity for injuries, stitches, black eyes, etc. it is Gideon. He is "action in motion". He has the hugest blue eyes with the longest eyelashes and is able to "charm" his way through anything - almost! Mom and Dad (Nichole and Jeremy) keep a pretty tight reign on their 3 little guys: not tight enough to hurt but enough to 'guide and direct' them. Gideon was always our baby octopus. It always seemed he had eight hands whenever we were at the table eating. He learned to drink from a cup during a Wednesday night Bible Study, and wanted water forever thereafter~~!!!! Gideon has a batting arm that really awed a lot of parents this year. I remember one game in particular, he slugged one UP and OUT beyond 2nd base. He gets so excited when the ball goes where he wants it to go. (Don't we all?) He ended this year's ball season sitting the last game out because the night prior, during his youngest brother's game, he was playing in the park pavilion and fell off a picnic table, cutting the top of his right eye and needing 2 stitches inside to stabilize it and 6 outside to close it. That's our "G-Man"! Gideon likes to go hunt with his brothers and Daddy, too, although if it is really cold out, he is like his Nonnie: he will choose to stay inside and be 'comfy cozy'. He is our little budding artist (Uncle Paul is an artist). For the children/youth talent show this Spring at Church, he drew two beautiful pictures and then signed and dated them, and auctioned them off to raise money for the Youth's Summer Home Mission Project (Project '08). He raised $63! I am SURE that there is not a person on earth who would pay 63 cents for ANY picture that I drew!!! Gideon also is quite the little comedian; it just comes out naturally. Last night he went to get those stitches removed from his eye and the little "old" doctor, complete w/glasses said, "Boy, those are small - I have to go get my old man glasses to see them properly." Gideon replied (quietly to his Mama), "he already HAS them!". His mama had a hard time not cracking up before the doctor left the room!

"Owie"

This is Owen Martin Lloyd; age 8. He is my first grandchild. I remember the first time I held him in my arms...probably 30 mins or less after his birth. I cried as I looked down at his precious little face; 'he is a continuing part of me, I thought'. It was a very surreal experience to know that that tiny baby boy came from his mother and father and their mothers and fathers, etc. He was smart from the very beginning. His mama,(my firstborn, Nichole) started teaching him "baby signing" at age 6 months. He picked it up SO quickly. He was always the quietest and best baby whenever we were in a public place to eat or whatever, because he would "sign" to us what he wanted. Owen is a great ball player. He LOVES Autumn; he told his mama this past fall, "I just get this feeling all over me when it is Fall - that I cannot explain". She totally understood, because of all the seasons, Fall is her favorite, also. (Strong genes!) He also LOVES to hunt with Daddy (Jeremy). When he was about 4 and the next brother down was 2, Jeremy went turkey hunting one day and they CRIED when he came home empty-handed. "But daddy, you were supposed to come back with a turkey". He has been an AVID reader since the age of at least 6 or 7. You see him in the picture above reading one of his favorite series. Last summer when school got out, he started reading the Harry Potter series (controversial, I know...) but he had not understood them the year prior. Last summer, he "got" them~. He read every one of them before school started again in the fall. That is a lot of reading. He has a huge bookshelf in his room and said to me, "Nonnie, I have read almost every book on these shelves at least once. There are only 3-4 I haven't read because I don't "get" them, yet. He has read all the Chronicles of Narnia at least once each, also. He loves to read Shel Silverstein. My Mama always called him "Owie" and I find myself doing the same very often. Last Sunday, I kissed his cheek and said, "when it gets to the point where you don't want Nonnie to kiss you, tell me, okay?" But then, I let him know that his Uncle Paul (my second born) ALWAYS let me kiss his cheek no matter where we were or how old he was!!!! He was rather quite - and just looked and me and smiled, shaking his head in the affirmative.

Father's Day 2008

I have been so busy making special “memory books” for my son and son-in-laws, that I didn’t’ have to think a lot about Father’s Day, this year, being the first one without Dad. Then on Friday, I went to get the “Cards” and gift wrap… that started it all. The week-end went downhill from there. No Dad to purchase a card for and no Dad to buy a gift for. It wasn’t that the gift was ever so great, but the CARD. I always searched until I found the “perfect one” that said what was from my heart. I loved my father more than I can express. He was always my “rock, my source of rescue, my protector, and my source of unconditional love.” Sounds like I’m speaking about my Heavenly Father, doesn’t it????
Although I know that my Heavenly Father is all that and more to me - I still have this hole… this ache… this hurt that is so deep in my heart that I wonder when I shall ever find my “NEW NORMAL”. I’m working on it - but it doesn’t come rapidly. I would NEVER wish Dad back to the pain, the life that, for him, stopped when he was strapped to an oxygen hose 24/7, the loss of independence he felt the past 2 years of his life AND the grief over Mama’s death. I understand in my HEAD that he is now happy, whole, well, and with his wife and the babies they lost, and most of all with his Blessed Jesus. But my heart aches and hurts, because, I, like a small child, want my Daddy back. I want to touch him and hug him. I want to feel the roughness of his day-old whiskers when he kisses me. I want him to tell me, 'everything is going to be okay' when I’m crying. I want to talk politics with him - and sports, religion, the good ‘ole days; all of that an more.
But, he is in a far better place and I know I shall see him again. It is just the waiting that is hard; but, I have no choice. So, I continue on, day by day, to live my life so that my children and grandchildren remember me for some of the same values and characteristics that I received from my Dad.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I took you red roses today and cried at your grave. Thank God, you ARE healthy, happy and whole again - and in a far better place!!! I Love You~~!!!