I have been so busy making special “memory books” for my son and son-in-laws, that I didn’t’ have to think a lot about Father’s Day, this year, being the first one without Dad. Then on Friday, I went to get the “Cards” and gift wrap… that started it all. The week-end went downhill from there. No Dad to purchase a card for and no Dad to buy a gift for. It wasn’t that the gift was ever so great, but the CARD. I always searched until I found the “perfect one” that said what was from my heart. I loved my father more than I can express. He was always my “rock, my source of rescue, my protector, and my source of unconditional love.” Sounds like I’m speaking about my Heavenly Father, doesn’t it????
Although I know that my Heavenly Father is all that and more to me - I still have this hole… this ache… this hurt that is so deep in my heart that I wonder when I shall ever find my “NEW NORMAL”. I’m working on it - but it doesn’t come rapidly. I would NEVER wish Dad back to the pain, the life that, for him, stopped when he was strapped to an oxygen hose 24/7, the loss of independence he felt the past 2 years of his life AND the grief over Mama’s death. I understand in my HEAD that he is now happy, whole, well, and with his wife and the babies they lost, and most of all with his Blessed Jesus. But my heart aches and hurts, because, I, like a small child, want my Daddy back. I want to touch him and hug him. I want to feel the roughness of his day-old whiskers when he kisses me. I want him to tell me, 'everything is going to be okay' when I’m crying. I want to talk politics with him - and sports, religion, the good ‘ole days; all of that an more.
But, he is in a far better place and I know I shall see him again. It is just the waiting that is hard; but, I have no choice. So, I continue on, day by day, to live my life so that my children and grandchildren remember me for some of the same values and characteristics that I received from my Dad.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I took you red roses today and cried at your grave. Thank God, you ARE healthy, happy and whole again - and in a far better place!!! I Love You~~!!!
4 comments:
I am so sorry that you lost both your mother and your father, that has got to be hard. I still have both parents and I am best friends and see my mother every day. My mom and dad are divorced and I pretty much have a non-exhistant relationship with my dad. He remarried when I was 5 and has 3 children to his wife and they just are not interested in having a relationship with me or my family.
Gail Lynn,
Was your father the pastor of your church? If so, what a double loss - your father and your pastor.
Your grandchildren are so cute. I have one grandson who lives far far away. I've only seen him once, over the holidays, but miss him every day. He'll be 15 months next week.
Take care!
Gail Lynn,
I'm the one who left the gail m message. I was going to blog under my fiction-writing name, but decided to go with my real name.
As caregiver to my father I'm not looking forward to the day he leaves us.
I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story for us.
You can find me at Elder Care Cafe here on blogspot. I would love to hear from you.
Edie
Gail Lynn,
I meant to tell you. I also live in Michigan, near Lansing.
Edie
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